An issue that I have consistently faced over the years is the search for my happiness. The search for that feeling of contentment, joy and wonder. That search outside of myself for completeness. The search to change my feeling of emptiness, sadness and loneliness. Over the years this has taken many forms – sugar, eating, drinking, buying clothes/things, and women.

Over the past few years of coaching with Ankush K Jain, many of these have dropped – I no longer feel the need to eat sugar and chocolate to make myself feel better or happy, I no longer need to drink to make myself feel like I can be myself and socialise, I no longer need to buy those new clothes to make myself feel like I am attractive or worthy. However, I still feel like I need a woman in my life to make me happy. I still feel like having that person in my life will make me feel fulfilled and with purpose. I still feel like my happiness is on that happening. And this story is still true to a certain degree to me today as I write this.

However, what I can say is that the last few weeks have made me realise that this is slightly less true – the story and belief that I have that I will only be happy when I have that someone in my life is slightly less true to me today as it was on Thursday evening. On Friday morning I had a “fuck this shit” moment (what I call an “ah ha!!!!” moment) and realised that my story was slightly less true than it was Thursday.

For context, the last few weeks I had been seeing or talking to a girl that I really liked – she was pretty, smart, weird (the good kind) and we had a lot of interests in common. To start with I had nothing on the relationship – I was being myself and not worrying about whether anything came from it. Actually, I distinctly remember telling my friend that I was just having fun and if something came of it then awesome, but, if not, then I have had a good time chatting with her. 

However, that gradually changed – the old story that I had in my “software” came out again and I started to think that my happiness came from her. I started to engage with that old software program – I started to live or operate from that. That program intertwined itself into my reality and I started to get needy and started to put my fun and happiness outside of myself again. I put my happiness outside of myself just like when I used to eat, drink or buy things, but this time (and like many times before), I put it on her. I constantly tried to draw her closer, but she got further and further away. It was like I was falling off a cliff and grabbing for that cliff edge that was getting further and further away. It was like I imagine Hans Gruber felt when he was falling off Nakatomi Plaza – grasping at thin air wanting and wishing for something tangible to grasp on to. To me, it felt like I had no control of it and I just kept grabbing, grabbing and grabbing. I was just falling. 

But, on Friday morning when I was talking with Alfredo, I suddenly saw the chink in the armour. I suddenly saw what I was doing and the misunderstanding that I was living from – I saw that I was putting my happiness onto this girl and grasping for that air that was not there. I had once again fallen into my own self made trap of believing my happiness came from this girl. I had my fuck this shit moment and “woke up” to the reality that I myself was creating and then operating from.

On Friday morning I saw this chink in the armour or my story and I suddenly realised that I was looking in the wrong direction for my happiness. I realised that the story I had developed over my life time, and reenforced by my long term relationship, was a misunderstanding that I had created as if it was true. I also realised that I was saying to myself that I am not good enough until I have this girl in my life permanently, and that I won’t be happy until this happens in the future. I realised that if I put my happiness outside of myself on this girl then I will constantly be seeking outside of myself and constantly grabbing onto things and putting all my worth on those things (or people). I would constantly be living in a misunderstanding of where my feelings come from and not realising that they come from my thinking in that moment.

After I saw this, I also saw my answers to the questions: If stuff, people or money make us happy then how come poor and single people are happy? How come people who have all that are sad? For me, it did not make sense. If all these things brought us happy, if this was a rule of life, then how can these circumstances happen? How can people have a lot of money, women/men, things and then not be happy? How can people with none of these things be happy? 

To me, the logical answer was that it is because none of these things directly affect my happiness and it is what I put on them with my stories and my thinking – I will be happy when I have a women in my life or when I have a lot of money (as another example). I realised that this was a story that I had made up on limited evidence and one that I still believe to be slightly true, albeit less strongly than before.

What story are you living from?

Much love,